Drunken Revier: Game Of Thrones

BOOM! Just like that, another episode of GOT aired and within minutes Littly Drunkie Billy Lindie sent over another review… Please excuse his Dothraki-like understanding of the English language and constant references to fictional women’s breasts…

Game Of Thrones S3Ep2

by Bill Lind

One of my first complaints the first episode of the season, The fucking map of harrenhal. It doesn’t do shit. What do they do to us tonight. The same piece of shit garbage map. Why am I paying for HBO if they can’t make a cool fucking map. Honesty, is harrenhall our punishment for people illegally downloading this show too much? Did they have to lay off the fucking map maker because of piracy issues? Jesus Christ. How much does a fucking map cost? Honestly. Fucking google maps is free and look how great that works, but oh no apparently a made up fictitious place can’t get its own stupid fucking map!!

And while we are on the subject of this stupid map, why do they even have a map of winter fell. Roose Balton’s basturd son destroyed the place when he captured theon Turncloak Greyjoy destroyed the fucking place. Its not even there anymore. He literally wiped it off the face of the map!

Random thought before the episode goes any further: We haven’t seen Danny’s tits in a while. It’d be nice to see them again.

Wow brann really got weird looking.

Hodor’s real name isn’t even hodor. They call him honor because that was the only thing he could say.

WHy havent we seen Rob stark’s wife’s tah tahs yet? Oh great heres roose balton. He turns out to be a real prick. Oh poor Catelyn’s father is dying. And Bran and Rickon are dead. You’ve failed as mother. You should kill yourself.

What they do to Theon in the books is rally fucked up. I bet HBO will puss out in the series. They can’t afford a fucking map maker, I doubt they can afford a great torture expert.

haha. The joke about the iron throne being made out of cock and Renly loving peen. So clever.

The king doesn’t wear flowers. Ah Margarey Tyrell. So hot. Why does Jeoffrey get to marry her. That’s why I hate him. Not because he’s a dick. Haha Jeoffrey and Cerci. Jeoffrey straight bitch slapped her with his words.

Omg I love Sansa’s handmaiden.

Ser Lora’s grandmother is a firecracker in the book. Straight up firecracker! Atleast they got her right! “Once the cow has been milked there is no squirting the cream back up her utter.” Wow. This woman is aces. Margarey’s tits are totally staring at me through her dress. Oh sweet jesus.

Heads up. You can’t buy dire wolves. I know. I looked into this. Apparently they don’t exist anymore. They went extinct around the same time as the last unicorn, 1.79 million years ago. 

What is with Rob Stark and Jon snow sporting jery curls. Even in a fictional universe they should not be cool. Rob has awesome facial hair tho. #nohomo.

What is with Catelyn making dream weavers? Also in the books i think they tell Catelyn and Rob that the young starts are dead. Aww Cat loves Jon Snow, in some weird creepy way.

Oh look a Warg. Brann is not a warg. He is a green seer. They are like even more rare wargs.

Honestly I dont know why they fucking deal with fat ass tarly. But it is kinda awesome that the leader of the black brothers forbid Sam to die. That move was aces. (Did that feel forced?)

These little Reed fucks show up in book 2. They have a premonition that winterfell will be swallowed by the ocean and everyone drowns. Then Theon shows up (his sigil the kraken) and kills everyone in Winterfell. So the sea kinda killed winter fell. Or these Reed bastards got lucky. Anyway Jojen Reed turns out to be really fucking annoying and adds nothing to the plot. However, they never mentioned in the books that his sister mira has the same haircut as Jon Snow and Rob Stark.

Aarya’s haircut sucks. Rains of Castamere are a bad ass song. Almost as badass as that arrow getting shot at Aarya. I kinda like the name Aarya. I think Ill name my first bastard daughter that. And then people can pick on her and make her cry. And when she comes to me and says “Father, why did you name m Aarya. Everyone tease me.” I will say “Daughter, I named you after a very smart young girl, who was beautiful and wise. But you are none of that. You have shamed me for the last time. ” And then i go out and buy a pig and name is Aarya to let my bastard daughter know how much she has disappointed me.

Back to Aarya. How do you walk around with a sword every day and not use it. If i had a sword i’d totally be chopping people up and shit all the time. Also the brotherhood without banners are a fun gang. OMG that guy with the arrow is awesome!! I could be a pretty badass shot with an arrow, you know if I wanted to be.

The imps whore/ Sansa’s hand maiden is so hot. But I think she had secret passage ways to get to the imps bedroom. Remember in the first season when Aarya explored secret tunnels? The whore has that kinda shit going on. Which for some reason reminded me of this bad ass song

Roz the whore… Such a Homewrecker! Since i can never remember the imp’s whore’s name, I herby dub her Impsucker.

Margarey is such a lady. Even staring down the barrell of a crossbow. Poor Geoffrey doesn’t know crossbow’s are for fairies. Although they are badass in nature, they are cowardice in practice.

Drinking is awesome…

Jamie Lannister is supposed to be the best sword in all the lands.. Now he just lost to a woman. Something bad happens to Jamie but I bet the don’t do it on HBO because HBO sucks and can’t even afford All in all, this episode was much better than the first. There are so many characters and plots that it is hard for them to fit in everything. Danny wasn’t in it. And I haven’t seen her tits in forever! Straight up horse shit. Also you don’t see Theon after book 2 until book 5. So that was horse shit. And the Bolton’s suck. All of them. Except Michael.

Drunken Review: Game Of Thrones

I asked William (Bill) Lind to provide a drunken review of a random episode of the Game Of Thrones. This is his amazing take on the Season 3 premiere… 

Game of thrones S3E1

by Bill Lind

First of all, Ser Barrastian Selmly goes not tell Dannarious, we will call her Danny from here on, who he is till much later in the book. Barry is the old knight who shows up at the end of the episode. That whole scene happened in book 2 think. It was

My first thought as the episode ended was “Really… THat was it. Nothing was accomplished.” I am disappointed. But my first thought as the episode started was damn! Jon snow’s wolf is gangsta….

Fucking sam… 1 Job. Send the fucking ravens. Did he? No. Cause he’s stupid. And fat.

I love the opening credits of the show. The map is awesome… But some paces are half assed maps. Harrenhall. Really? They just show a building. It is stupid. Whoever made the map should choke and die.

Also, the whole twitter promotion #taketheblack was stupid.Do you really want me to swear off copping dome? Not gonna happen.

Ygrette, the redhead with Jon Snow, herby known as JS, is cute. FYI It is revealed in the book that Ygrette’s carpet matches the drapes.

The giants were stupid. THe book made them seem more like gorillas then human. Also they don’t speak english.

Mance Rayder could be awesome. Whether that happens. IDK.

You get they call the black brothers crows right? Cause they are black… Like crows? Also mance is the King beyond the wall. He was a black brother. Incase you missed it.

Also JS ‘s hair is ridiculous.

What’s worse? Crastor banging his daughters? Or feeding his incest born sons to white walkers? I want to fight for the side that fights for the living. As long as the living are cool. Incestial babies are fucked up. Look at Geoffrey the king. Hes tarted and shit

The chick the imp’s body guard is banging is cute. I think the bodyguard is named bronn. We will call him from here on, Bron, or B-money, or bronn. Not really sure. Anyway bronn is baning some small titted chick. i could be into that

Haha tyronian needs a step stool to answer the door. Hes so short. Also in the book he is supposed to have lost his entire nose. Well in the show he didn’t. Thats weak. But then again if he didnt have a nose idk if i would watch. The scar across the face is weak too, Someone should kill themselves for deciscion

I dont remember why cersci tried to kill the imp.

Also idk how Daavos, the fuking onion knight, edned up on some stupid rock island. They dont go into detail here, but he used to wear his fingers in a bag around his keck. Stannis baratheon cut his fingers off and then the dude wore them. In the show he said he lost a son in the battle. In the book he lost 4. WEAK

Also the whole thing with trying to stop/kill Mellesandri was wrong. I am not going into detail incase they chose to make it up later.

Wtf. Rob start is walking around with his mom and then locks her up. Makes no sense. My mom is more crazy then Star’s. I’d have that bitched licked up twenty four-sev. THat is the cool way of saying it. PS where the fuck is rob and Catelyn. IDK. I dont get it. It is stupid. Also rob starks wife is hot. Scale of 1-10 i give that chick an 8. Shes prob a 6, but the medical crap makes her a 7 and 1/2 for me.

I love the imp. Sucks to be him. He saved the city. And then its like chop off your fake nose and die.

Random though: Id love to send some letter via carrier pigeon.

Imps dad is a dick.

I hate Sansa. I refuse to write about her. I hope the actress kills herself. I will say that i would love to bang the shit out of Sansa’s hand maiden. She is ACES (im bringing back the phrase.)

Heads up. Dannys dragons turn out to be real dicks.

Lady Margary Tylell is hot has shit.

Long story short, the plot was all over the place.

I could not do a great drnken review bc the episode sucked

Once again, little Billy Lind delivers the goods. Thanks, Bud!